JOKES

The shortest grammatically correct sentence in the English language is "I am." However, some people think that "I do" might, in fact, be the longest sentence.

A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish, "switch me into my wife." She's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.

Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, put a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stops at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, and then quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in. He vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school, and had an argument with the kids. When he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside, he helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there were some more duties, and somehow he managed to get that done and finally fell a sleep.

The next morning he prays to God again: "Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?" I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please."

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back to yourself but there's one minor detail.

You will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

IF THERE WERE COMPUTERS IN 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sod last night.

Mr. Franklin: Uh Oh - General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable."

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was staggering by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a Policeman, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked:

"What was that all about?"

The drunk was crying as he grabbed the Policeman and hugged him and sobbed:

"Oh, thank goodness you're here, offishir, I've wash attacked by a ghost, but itsh okay now, I beat the crap outta it!"

A father, a lawyer and an HMO President all died and went to the pearly gates to receive their judgment.

"So," Saint Peter said to the father, "what have you done in your life to deserve eternal happiness?" The dad explained that he was devoted to his wife and children, and that he supported them both financially and emotionally.

St. Peter said, "Well, that's pretty good. Come on in."

Saint Peter then asked the lawyer, "what have you done in your life to deserve eternal happiness?" The lawyer explained that, even though she wasn't perfect, she devoted her life to defending the helpless.

Saint Peter thought for a bit, then said, "well, nobody's perfect," and let her in.

Finally, Saint Peter asked the HMO president, "what have you done in your life to deserve eternal happiness?" "Well," said the HMO president, "I've
provided affordable healthcare for all who need it" .

Saint Peter thought for a bit, then pointed to the down escalator. "But why? Why can't I go to Heaven?" the HMO president asked frantically.

Saint Peter sighed and said, "okay, but you can only stay here two to three days."